atlantic seawater green eyed grass...

i'm sorry for wakin' you up so early.

i just couldn't wait to talk to you.

and i lied awake last night till this morning.

thinkin' of all that we've been through.

and i'm crazy 'bout your touch.

crazy 'bout your kiss.

crazy 'bout the way you make me carry on like this.

crazy 'bout your smile.

like a burnin' desire.

adding fuel to the fire.

with the wind that blows.

out of control.

sunshine made its way through the curtains.

as you wiped the sleep from my eyes.

dreaming wide awake is for certain.

when you are the one here by my side.

i'm crazy 'bout your touch.

crazy 'bout your kiss.

crazy 'bout the way you make me carry on like this.

crazy 'bout your smile.

like a burnin' desire.

addin' fuel to the fire.

with the wind that blows.

out of control.

for me to hold back.

it's too much to ask.

i'm crazy 'bout your touch.
crazy 'bout your kiss.
crazy 'bout the way you make me carry on like this.
crazy 'bout your smile.
like a burnin' desire.
addin' fuel to the fire.
with the wind that blows.
out of control.

--jayron weaver & delnora reed

blue eyed grass

sweetly bitter...

After a Spring semester sure to rid me of all thoughts of free time or a social life, summer has finally arrived. My reward to myself for another year of college completed: a return trip to Costa Rica. I promised my family and friends that I would return to see them, y a Brittney no le gusta romper ninguna promesa ni compromiso. Entonces, I planned a ten-day trip back to that country that I love so much.

After arriving "home" on Monday (the 11th) I was sure to spend plenty of time with Dulce and Melissa, visit my favorite coffee shop and internet cafe, take my familiar bus routes, and drink a few Imperials and Bavarias for old times' sake. Dulce insisted that I stay in her house for nothing, and she even made my old favorite meals for me unnecessarily. If there is one thing to say about most Latin Americans, it's that they will open their houses, wallets, arms, and hearts to you and expect nothing for it. I had missed she and Melissa both, and I was ecstatic to get to see the two of them again. Her house was just the same: looked the same. smelled the same. This familiarity immediately took effect in me, and I felt as if it were my home all over again. What fulfillment.

Of course, I wasn't the only one that was in town for the week. Elena was at the airport with Dulce to pick me up. Who did she bring with her? Marco Venicio. Ah. even more Costa Rican familiarity. I spent most of my week passing the tico time with Ellen and Marco, enjoying their company and Spanglish conversation. The three of us enjoyed a weekend beach trip to Parque Nacional Manuel Antonio including a nice climb to the lookout point. What a gorgeous creation. At the sight of such a unique coastline with intricate, jagged rocks and such perfectly crashing waves, it is more than difficult to entertain the thought of mere non-existence of God Himself. I believe He is a skilled artist, and Costa Rica was his painting that he completed for fun.

I attempted to explain to Elena the feeling that overwhelmed me as I explored the known territory that is Heredia, Costa Rica. I quickly found that I was not overly excited to be abroad for vacation: I was simply content to be back home. I felt just like I feel going back home to Sparta for a basketball game: I know most people and most all places, everything is still very familiar, but some things have changed in a minimal way. I missed mi segunda patria, and walking the streets of Heredia with gravity-defying raindrops landing on my shoulders was a breath of fresh air.

Every time that I travel, I find it easy to remove myself from any situation that is going on at home and metacognitively assess my own thoughts and actions concerning said circumstance. It's usually an easy self-reflection because I have no external influences on my thoughts. Upon traveling this past week, one of my main internal conversations concerned my loves in life: travel and family. I learned this past week that even though I consistently seem to think I can conquer the world single-handedly and live independently for the rest of my existence, I realized that I really have nothing without those who are closest to me. Traveling to Costa Rica for ten days for a vacation is fantastic but only if I have someone to share it with. One love is not complete without the other in my life. Travel is important to me, but my family and friends are even more important. I need you both.

On that note, my trip was sadly cut a few days short on account of the death of my grandmother, Sarah Elisabeth Geer Barker. With her age and condition, the event was to be expected, but no one ever wants to say goodbye to someone they love. After a long day of travel on Tuesday, I sorrowfully attended services to honor my mema and to pay respects to her life. I will never forget making kleenex-box apartment buildings for my "Anne of Green Gables" paper dolls, reading Bible stories and learning the names of its books, eating pizza hot pockets with sweet peas and crangrape juice out of saved preserves jars, and riding that springy horse for hours on end. I won't forget the alarm box that I was supposed to wear around my neck in case I was kidnapped. I won't forget going to Aunt Sally's for chocolate chip cookies on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator. I won't forget feeding the goats and avoiding the electric fence. I won't forget the moon pies. I won't forget the two dollars every birthday and Christmas--five when it was a good year. I won't forget lime sherbert even though I didn't need it. I won't forget your French harp. I won't forget the letters and cards in such precise grandma script. I won't forget that you loved me bunches and bunches. I will miss you terribly, Mema, and I won't forget you. See you soon.

Until we meet again...
love. love. love.
B

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas is over...

My last post was a few days before the Christmas holiday, and life has been crazy-busy since. Kellous was home for two weeks, and I spent as much time with him as was possible. We have become really close, and having him home was a blessing.

The Crawdaddy's Christmas party was on Sunday, the 20th of December, and I took Kellous as my date. We got dressed up and headed to Crawdaddy's for dinner cooked by Drew, our boss and the owner of the restaurant. Some of our regular guests who we serve quite often, the "Streamliner group," surprised all of we employees by serving dinner to us instead of the other way around. We then had a secret santa where Darla gave me a pinata as a gag gift...perfect, no? Christmas parties and work get-togethers remind me of how much I love working with the people I work with. I enjoy my job.

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Christmas was great this year, and I was so glad to see everyone all together again. I still love doing Christmas morning at Mama's every year, and I think Mom is eventually going to have to just refuse to participate before we'll stop expecting the Christmas morning tradition. We love it :) Mama also hosted Christmas this year, and everything was fantastic (especially my green bean casserole hehehe). Soup-n-crackers Christmas at aunt Carolyn's was also a great hit. I LOVE traveling the world and being away, but there's something about being with your family in the south around the holidays that I just can't miss.

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After spending New Year's Eve with friends, Kellous had to leave in the early morning on Friday, January 2nd. I said a weepy goodbye and then made my way to Red Boiling Springs to fulfill my wedding coordinator duties to Sam and Joe and decorate the church. Mama went up to help, and I spent all day Friday and Saturday preparing for their wedding. I tried my best to keep Sam stress-free, and as much as I enjoyed coordinating, I have decided it is not the job for me (haha). It was a beautiful candlelit ceremony, and I pray that it was everything they hoped for. I stood in the corner and shed my tears as two of my great friends joined their lives as one. Congratulations Joe and Sam. I love you both.

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...and finally...ACCUTANE Update:

I have now been taking Claravis for 26 days. I have to go back to the doctor on Tuesday to refill my prescription.

My face seems to have cleared up quite a bit (see previous pictures), but with good results also come bad ones.

My skin is so incredibly dry. I layer on the moisturizer, and thirty seconds later, the skin on my nose is already peeling off because it is so dry. I can't wear too much makeup because it simply flakes off and looks stupid.

My lips are CRAZY chapped all the time...in this picture, I had just put on three layers of blistex, so they don't look too bad.

My scalp itches like crazy because it is so dry, but I must say that one positive side effect has been that my hair does not collect as much oil as it used to. Before Accutane, I HAD to wash my hair every single day. If not, it would collect oil from my hands, the air, etc, and be greasy instantly. I can now go 3 days without washing my hair, and it is just fine. I LOVE that.

I have to say that the worst side effect so far has to be the boogers. I know, I know--that sounds disgusting. However, being on this drug means that EVERYTHING dries up--including the inside of my nose. A common side effect of Accutane is constant bloody noses. Instead of having a bloody nose, the blood simply dries in my nose and gives me bloody boogers....I KNOW--GROSS!! It's KILLING me!!

I just have to keep my eye on the prize--Clear Skin!!

Until next time....love. love. love. Brittney.

CHAPPED...and I don't mean leather pants

ACCUTANE UPDATE:

I've been taking Claravis (another brand of Accutane--same exact thing) for a week now. So far, I have SUPER chapped lips, my skin all over is a tad bit more dry, my face has cleared up just a bit, and I have been showing signs of bloody noses here and there. Sounds like the medication is working. FUN FUN FUN, no?

Tomorrow's list: FINISH CHRISTMAS SHOPPING AND WRAPPING!!!

love-B

Twenty-one Candles...

It seems like everyone has a "twenty-first birthday" story to tell. Where you were, who you were with, how many shots you remember, and who took care of getting you home. My 21st was no different, and the milestone has now come and gone. Many thanks to Sam and Matt for being my wonderful friends and making sure that I was well taken care of. Happy Birthday to me.

As a little bit of a late birthday present, I am super excited that Kellous is making his Christmas vacation return to Tennessee this evening. Because I was in Costa Rica for his last trip home, I haven't seen him in a year, and I am so excited to see my best friend's face!! I told him that I was going to a bachelorette party tonight and couldn't come to the airport to see him...little does he know that I will be right around the corner at baggage claim with a smile on my face. :)

Accutane update: I started the pill package on Tuesday. No noticeable signs of change, yet. Still pizza-face.

peace & love. love. love.
--b

Accutane: the Beginning of my Journey...

I know that it has been a long while since I have blogged, but tonight, I have an excellent reason. I am beginning treatment for my cystic nodular acne. I have decided to use Accutane, a form of Isotretinoin capsules whose purpose is to cure severe nodular acne that cannot be cured by antibiotics. I decided to use my blog as a personal update... pictures and journals of the coming months are sure to come. Drum roll, please....THE BEFORE....

For those of you who don't know about Accutane, it is NOT just a prescription that is going to change my acne. Accutane is a big deal. Many people have lots of side effects that are torturing during the treatment, but they say they wouldn't change it for anything because the results are so great. In other words, if I REALLY want clear skin NOW, I'm just going to have to deal with it.

For the next 4-5 months, I will be taking the Accutane pill daily.

Because the medication causes birth defects in virtually 90% of pregnancies that occur in women using Accutane, the company and my dermatologist both require that the patient (me) take a monthly pregnancy test before the prescription can be given. I was asked to sign a form promising either: a) complete abstinence, or b) to use two separate forms of birth control, in order to prevent pregnancy. Each month, I must go to the doctor for an update, take a pregnancy test, get online and take a short quiz with questions about my comprehension of the side effects, and then fill my prescription within 7 days of its issuance.

I took a pregnancy test a month ago, it was negative. I took a pregnancy test and blood test today. Once they are approved as negative (will be Monday), I will be approved to go online and answer my quiz questions. Then, I will have 7 days to fill my prescription and begin taking Accutane. Let the fun begin...

Many people say that the worst side effects are SEVERE dry skin; dry, chapped lips; dry eyes; sore joints; slow healing time; headaches; nosebleeds; dry hair; and the acne gets lots worse before it gets better for most patients.

If you see me within the next five months, I'm sure you might notice that my face is transforming: getting worse, better, worse, better....like a skin roller coaster. I don't think I'm going to want to talk too much about it, hoping the process will be as quick and painless as possible. If I am acting weird or looking strange in the next five months...don't worry about me. It's just the Accutane. I will try my best to keep you updated.

Wish me luck!!!

My favorite time of the year...

Fall seems to have come and gone in such a short time, and even though the orange leaves are still barely clinging to their tree branches, I am already missing them. I remember explaining the season of autumn to Dulce one afternoon, and she thought it sounded like the most beautiful thing she could ever see. I agree. I love the fall leaves. More than snow, I think.

I have been keeping myself super busy with school and work these days. However, Sam, Joe, and I took time out to carve pumpkins a few days before Halloween. I forgot just how much fun it is to continue traditions like pumpkin carving. Sam and I made scary faces while Joe created a...um...devil? (the one that looks like an evil bunny) They made the perfect display outside my apartment :) If you didn't see it in person, shame on you. :)

The next night, we went to my first haunted house in Nashville. I love scary stuff like that when you know that it is fake, so the SlaughterHouse was a blast! Sam screamed through every second, and I couldn't help but laugh when a clown chased her through the eight-door maze. It was a great time...I am going to miss Sam and Joe when they go off, get married, and leave me. Oh, and I was a kitty cat for Halloween at work. It was the best I could come up with in an hour.

The next week, Hannah came to spend the night with me. In the spirit of the season, I decided she should roll a yard for the first time. Let's see...who lives in Cookeville and has a perfect yard to roll? Aunt Jenifer, of course! Hannah, Sam, Joe, and I hopped into my car with 48 rolls of toilet paper, 500 napkins, and 2 bottles of whipped cream. Needless to say, winter came a bit early at the Shaw residence.... you are welcome :)

And now....November 4th. My first Presidential election to have the right and privledge to vote. Two things:

1) Yes, I did vote for Barack Obama.
2) No, I will not discuss politics with you.

I voted for Obama, and I am excited to see how he can help the economy of our great nation. I think he will be an excellent leader, and we can hope that the people of this country can come together in his support. Whether you voted for President-elect Obama and his running mate Joe Biden or not, now is the time to lay aside all previous judgements and accusations. A new leader doesn't mean doom and destruction, nor does it mean overnight success. However, it does mean we have a new person to root for; a new hope for our country; a new spirit of change and growth. I hope that all citizens of the United States of America will not hinder his new ideaology, but help embrace Barack Obama as our President and offer him support through every step of the way.

Okay. I just stepped off the soap-box, pushed it aside, and made a campfire out of it. No worries. I'm getting excited about Thanksgiving...I love me some turkey!!

Love. Love. Love.
Brittney

Where has all the simplicity gone?

I miss simplicity. I miss sitting in Trigo Miel staring out the entrance watching people go by and having absolutely nothing to worry about.

I miss my biggest care being the decision of which beach to go to this weekend. I miss not worrying about my homework assignment due tomorrow.

I miss feeling like I found something great. I miss having a group of friends that would always be at the coffee shop at one time or another.

I miss cheering for my team in the fan section in the rain. I miss chasing down a bus after the game because they're all full.

I miss paying with coins. I miss cafe con leche and gallo pinto.

I miss piropos. I miss not caring that my love handles were showing under my shirt.

I miss walking the city streets. I miss speaking Spanish all the time.

I miss platanos. I miss going to bars and meeting people.

I miss Imperial and Bavaria. Heck, I even miss Pilsen.

I miss cuba libres in cans. I miss Spanish text messages.

I miss free tequila shots and Jager bombs from Marcos just because he wanted to say hi.

I miss being called Margarita.

I miss Dulce's pancake and banana breakfasts. I miss run of the mill hostels for ten dollars a night. I miss the cow parade and the catchy bell that tells you to cross the street.

I miss red taxis.

I miss the Santo Domingo bus. And the Tuasa. And the por pista. And por Tibas. And the Coca Cola station.

I miss San Pablo.

I miss pineapples. And coconuts. And mora. And oranges. Fresh ones.

I miss mas por menos. I miss silly conversations with taxi drivers when I tell them I'm from Canada. I miss paseo.

I miss real craziness--not just white trash rednecks trying to get trashed.

I miss festival imperial. I miss parque central.

I miss Ellen, Renee, Amelia, and Amanda.

I miss late night boyfriend stories with Melissa. I miss afternoon debates with Dulce. I miss legos with Alejandro. I miss language exchange with Marco Venicio.

I miss having Marcos repeat himself until I understand.

I miss el testy.

I miss the cranky witch at the post office. I miss the cute guy at the post office.

I miss el gallo mas gallo. I miss la esquina del sabor.

I miss taking a different way home everyday.

I miss speedy internet. And the people that work there. Especially the nice one. And the asian guy.

I miss colones.

I miss Dulce. Melissa. Marcos. Adriana. Alejandro. Valeria. Daniel. Marco. Lucia. The Gringos.

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I miss Costa Rica. And all that it represents. And all that it was for me. And the way I could be there that I can't be here.

I wanna go home.

So I couldn't stop thinking about it...

In the most recent few years, I have continued to proclaim that I hate it when children are forced to be adults because adults act like children. This issue, for lack of a better word, has been a great offense to me in my life, and I find more and more everyday that great numbers of children are being forced to grow up much faster than they should simply because the adults in their lives are acting like children.

What do I mean by adults acting like children and children being adults? Let me explain. Up until a certain age of adulthood, children/teenagers are so-called because they don’t (or should not, in my opinion) have certain responsibilities that are otherwise reserved for “adults.” Children should not have to take care of their younger siblings in public because mommy can’t keep them quiet, be the ones to insist on visiting their great-grandfather in the nursing home because daddy says he can’t make time, or choose either mom or dad’s side when parents argue in front of their children and make the child a part of the hateful discussion. I think that part of being a child is the fact that you don’t have the worries that adults do. That’s part of growing up. Everyone wishes they could go back to their childhood when they had no worries, but many children today just want to grow up so they at least have a little control over the responsibilities that are imposed upon them. With adulthood, and parenthood especially, comes the responsibility to keep children from hearing/seeing/dealing with issues that should and need to be reserved for adults.

If a couple with three children is going through a divorce because one of the partners cheated, the three children should have no clue that mommy has another boyfriend or that daddy now resents her for it. The children should be slowly eased into the idea that mommy and daddy just simply don’t agree all the time and they should not live together or be married anymore. The children should have no idea of the hate that goes on behind the closed doors of an argument and should only see the love that both parents still have for all three children. They should also remember that closed doors don’t necessarily mean closed ears. Children, especially teenagers, catch on to things like that, and adults have to be careful of what they are doing or saying all the time.

One reason I have such a respect for my mother is the fact that throughout my entire life, from the time I can remember till today, she has never said one negative thing about my father to me since their divorce. NOT ONE NEGATIVE COMMENT. She knew that as I grew up, I should form my own opinions and think my own thoughts, and that as a child/teenager, I should not have to deal with the burdens of adulthood. No matter how she feels/felt about my father, she never had anything but good things to say about him because she took on her responsibility as a parent and as an adult to make sure her daughter had a positive view of her father, no matter the circumstances. For that, I have the utmost respect for her.

I guess what I am trying to say is that many adults nowadays need to GROW UP. Take the initiative. Many times, when you are an adult, it is not called initiative, it’s called responsibility. GROW UP and initiate the conversation with your teenager—don’t wait for him to come and talk to you. It’s not his job. GROW UP and realize that your problems are not your sons’ problems—deal with them yourself because he should not even have to know about them. GROW UP and stop preventing your children from living their childhood and adolescence as they were meant to be lived—without worry or responsibility. GROW UP and realize it’s not all about you—your children deserve their childhood. They only get one, and there’s no going back.

Love,
B

Make it stop...

We're nearing fall break here at Tech, and Brittney has had enough. I ended up dropping my Don Quijote class because I just couldn't take it anymore. Call me a quitter if you wish; maybe I am when it comes to that class. However, I was falling behind in my other classes just because the Don Quijote reading and literary diaries were taking up all of my study time. The day that I dropped the class, I was really upset about it, but as soon as I turned in the "drop" form, I felt as if I had just taken the 1500 pound sack of flour off my back. Now I am down to twelve hours of school, but it is just right for me this semester as I still feel like I am in transition.

At Tech, I have always been keen on taking unreasonable numbers of hours per semester just so that I could finish early or on time and get out of there! However, I have learned recently that if taking an extra semester or year in school is going to allow me to sustain my happiness, then it is worth every second. Taking 19 hours in a single semester and working 25 hours per week all equals no free time and constant stress for me. I won't let anything that is under my control interfere with my happiness. I won't.

Now that all that underlying resentment for school is out of the way, I will tell you that I have been doing well in my education classes and getting excited about the teaching part of my Spanish career. I have been observing a high school Spanish teacher at Cookeville High School, and being around the job that I will eventually have makes me really want to dive right in.

Ellen and her roommate, Shauna, came to visit a few weekends ago. They drove in and hung out with me Friday night, I took her to Kendall's pee-wee game, Sunset rock, and El Tapatio on Saturday. Let me tell ya, she was super impressed with all Sparta has to offer ( haha).

Fall break is coming up this weekend, and I'm pretty sure I will just be working, working, working. That's okay with me, though, because I am trying my hardest to save up for next summer's trips. :) I plan on taking another Costa Rica trip for a week or two to see my family and vacation a bit. Then, I hope everything works out to go on the Mexico mission trip with Central. After that, I may have to take a summer class, but I hope that won't be necessary. Either way, I plan to spend at least a month in a Latin American country going to a few Spanish classes and doing volunteer work. I just have to find a program that will allow me to do this all within my budget range. Cross your fingers for me!!

All for now. See you soon!

-B